Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Wayne Carey is a watcher
March 28, 2008

Wayne Carey always managed to organise a place in a bedroom or bathroom where he could see himself performing, according to a former and occasional companion. Beware you watchers. Don’t look into your own eyes.


George Bush senior forced from the Australian Embassy in Peking by Bill Green
March 10, 2008

I ripped a leather coat from the back of George Bush senior when he attempted to throw me out of the Australian Embassy in Peking (as it then was) in 1974. As he ordered me from the Australian Embassy I reached behind him, grasped the coat on either side of the vent and ripped it from him. The coat was an inferior “deer skin” coat, really pigskin, and the stitches were also weak. He had purchased the coat in China. I had also purchased one that day. We were in the crowded bar of the Embassy after a day at the Peking Trade Exhibition.

George was then the senior officer with what amounted to the China-America Liaison office that was created to win America permission for an Embassy in China. The Americans were piggy-backing on our Embassy, run by a young and terribly competent Stephen Fitzgerald.

The incident began when two trade exhibitors drank a little too much and thought I was a suitable candidate for verbal abuse because I was the press secretary to the Deputy Prime Minister, Dr Jim Cairns, and he didn’t attend the drinking session. “Your fuckin’ boss is a pink lefty aresehole,” seemed to be the best they could produce but it was yelled into my ear every few minutes. I chose to ignore them until one pushed me and fell over, as did his companion shortly after.

I repaired to the toilet off the upstairs foyer. On emerging I was approached by the Hong Kong Trade Commissioner and told that the Ambassador had asked me to leave the Embassy. I smiled at him. He had imagined shock, horror and a humiliating exit.

“Are you going?” he asked.

“No,” I said.

He waved to two embassy guards to remove me. They came towards me across the foyer and I ran at them to at least have some momentum. They fell down and as I descended to the bar again I grabbed an aboriginal spear from the wall of the stair well. On approaching the table where Stephen was drinking I asked him if he had asked me to leave the Embassy. “Certainly not,” he said.

Returning to the bar I was handed a drink by Greg Clarke, Murdoch’s man in Tokyo, who had flown in with us in the RAAF’s VIP plane. Within a moment an American declared himself the culprit (he had obviously prevailed on the Trade Commissioner) and demanded that I leave the Australian Embassy. “But you’re a fuckin’ American,” I said. “How can you demand I leave the Embassy.”

“You’re leaving,” he said. I grabbed his coat and ripped it from his body. People emerged from everywhere to hold us. I heard someone ask if something should be done. Apparently not because several other people had already fallen over, obviously dead drunk. I saw George Bush senior leaving the Embassy bar with friends. I didn’t think too much about it except a Trade bureaucrat insisted I pay for the coat (I believe he was a senior in Trade). Not having a cheque book I borrowed one from a colleague. Fortunately the cheque later bounced.

However, the night was far from over. Stephen declared the bar shut sometime later and Jim’s press entourage left to be driven back to the hotel. At the hotel I asked for my bag from the boot. The driver refused to open it (all drivers then were members of Chinese security) and I approached the boot that had no handle and I imagined it was a Chinese puzzle. I lifted the number plate but it came off in my hand. I kicked the bumper bar but it fell off. Things looked dire.

The driver began to remonstrate with me in an abusive tone. I tied his car aerials in knots and began to walk away. Greg Clarke told me I’d have to apologise because the driver had called for the PLA (they had replaced the Red Guard) I turned back and said, “Sorry, mate.” I headed to the hotel foyer as fast as my dignity would allow.

There are many other aspects to this story, some I covered in my novel, Compulsively Murdering Mao, (Hodders), but I found I had to write the story on my blog because I woke up laughing about it some weeks ago, and that was a change.

Several times I have attempted to sell this story but I discovered editors tend to run from it. I know I could have if I persevered but having begun a career as a novelist I was reluctant. Would it cloud my reputation? I needn’t have worried.

Banal British bureaucrats will set companies “carbon prices” which we will pay – like we pay for the banks’ losses
January 12, 2008

The future of extreme climate change has been created in the most banal way. The British government have been instructed to factor in a “carbon price” when making policy for all development in energy, transport, housing etc (Guardian Weekly) Bureaucrats and politicians have no practical experience of how business works. If business cops a levy or tax on their raw materials or products they simply add it to the price. There is therefore very little incentive for corporations to act with any real initiative at all.

There is an exception. The nuclear industry. They will simply be merged with all the other figures on all the lists of possibilities, and at some time emerge triumphant because they have no carbon much at all. Gone will be the aspect that condemns the industry (apart from danger of leaks) and that is the waste will have to contained for half a million years, and the Americans (see Washington State website) know that is impossible to do.

The oldest man made structures on the planet are pyramids, so far lasting an estimated 10,000 years, and until British researchers with shovels began excavating and investigating the objects, everyone had forgotten what they were used for. Imagine if the waste is buried, as planned, in Australia’s vast spaces, how long will people remember what lies beneath the steel and concrete doors. Hey, steel is good. It doesn’t really rust through for a hundred years or so, and concrete catches concrete cancer in about the same time. And who pays for the maintenance, for radiation can decimate the planet and its species in even less time than that?

And again who pays? We do. Like the banks pass on their losses to us, so will carbon creating companies. It’s how business is run.

Our banks turn into bank robbers
January 3, 2008

Our banks turned into bank robbers. This is how it happened. They invested in America in sub prime mortgages and lost a heap of money. They then began to react against this horrible situation by panicking and deciding to retrieve it from their customers here. The National Australia Bank had a record profit last year of  18 billion dollars, up ten percent on the previous year. They’re the first to put their interest rates up. I suppose that’s why they made so much money last year, they’re quick on the trigger.

Morally speaking if they’re going to claim money back from mortagees when they make a loss they should give some money back when they make a horrendously good profit.

What would happen if everyone reacted like them when they lost money? Well, they’d be more petulant robbers of banks. The logic would go something like this. Someone took my money so we’re going to take money from you, despite you having nothing to do with the loss.

Australia never had a place in its culture for adventure, romance or experimenting with different ideas
December 21, 2007

The evidence in the Hicks case spells the end of Australian understanding of romance, adventure, and the thrill of experimenting with new ideas. We never really did understand, for our present hollow culture is more of the cruel, bureaucratic and vengeful genre. Let’s not kid ourselves. The fading culture that we glorified came from the David Hickses and Jack Thomases of the nation who took to the sniff of war in 1914 for comradeship and adventure. It didn’t come from our imitative, educated and ambitious classes who sacrificed fun for doubtful status. Doubtful because in the swim to the top of the horrible pile it means servility to those nations we wrongfully regarded as our superiors. Look at our subsequent distorted perceptions. Menzies imagined the Queen as a romantic, sexualised image. Keating thought Menzies correct and being opportunistic working class ( which used to have a strong culture) placed his hand on her waist and was splapped on the wrist by the media. How unbelievably banal and pathetic. If she had responded in a knowing way Keating would have rogered her without hesitation, later receiving the offer of a knighthood. Keating was a bit too real for our sick bureaucratic nation.

And are we going to pay for the nasty, obsequious drivel that our department heads foist on our lazy politicians.

The Hicks case shows just how far we have deprived ourselves of our democratic rights and the rule of law. It’s not just Hicks who has to prove himself innocent of terrorist sympathies, and being a future danger, it’s all of us. Don’t think so? Just remember the environmental protesters who were arrested in the UK under such laws a few weeks ago.

And who may have beenthe role models for Hicks and Thomas in the thirties? Why, George Orwell and Arthur Koestler. They took the communist side in the Spanish civil war. Each of them were condemned to death and each were subject to a mock execution. Read terrorist for communist in that conflict. However they each saw the error of the side they had chosen and wrote revealing texts on it. Texts we still turn to for enlightenment.

My predictions on Iraqi matters were all hung out to dry
December 20, 2007

Did you ever wonder why Downer and Costello beat a hasty retreat from the corridors of power? Could you ever have imagined that they would be charged over the AWB’s kickback scam to Saddam Hussien. To me it was unbelievable that these people were unaware of $290 million worth of bribes paid by Australia. One way to check this at a later date is to see what happens to those who covered for them. The cover up went like this: No, the ministers didn’t see the letters or e-mails despite these missives being sent and seen by individuals in their employ. How slack of their administrations not to mention a leak of so much money to Saddam. I didn’t believe it and predicted that the ministers would be charged along with those  who are accused of “ought to have known about contracts,” “ought to have known fees breached Iraq trade sanctions” etc. Our former ministers, who deal so competently with financial matters, should surely know that those who are banned from receiving Australia’s money shouldn’t get it.

And while I’m about admitting my predictions in these matters have come to nothing, my major prediction on Iraq certainly slid into the absurd genre. I predicted that the Americans, being unable to cope with the war, would reinstall Saddam and everything would return to normal. I had underestimated America’s greed for oil and having their oil legislation passed by the new government they established. Having necked Saddam they had to create a fallback position. Again I imagined (not predicted) that they would follow Colin Powell’s strategy of fighting and beating the Iraqis in the desert. He didn’t want to go near the cities (wise soldier). The fallback position is “structured fabrication.” We didn’t tell anyone about the civilian casualties (and denied the UN figures of hundreds of thousands) so we’ll stop telling them about all the bombings. We’ll have to tell them about some or they won’t believe our story. However with a fall in bomber statistics we can say the Bush surge has worked. We only need more troops. It’s just unfortunate but now the figures are down we’ll be withdrawing troops.

December 18, 2007

Following my suspicion that the CIA had censored my post on their torturers having sexual pleasure at the expense of their victims, a correspondent has contacted me with the figures published in a recent Harpers magazine. Since June 2004 Wikipedia has had 310 entries censored and re-written (edited) by the CIA.

I no longer suspect that I’m paranoid. And I was tested. My phone/computer line crashed the day the story appeared in the News Diary in The Age (edited by Suzanne Carbone) and during the evening the lights in the house fused out.

Each event had rational explanation. The phone line was torn from its socket when an extremely large truck (no one has seen one so large prior to this – evidence is that the line hadn’t previously been broken) rounded my corner and stripped the line from the lamp post.

I discovered that the lights had fused out because the lights in my wife’s new gallery (Shed 47, Talbot) was an overload when two freezers came on. See, simple explanations. No need to rush out to purchase dogs and other armaments.

CIA torturers get sexual thrills.
December 12, 2007

CIA torturers get sexual thrills from their activity. How do I know? Jack Thomas and David Hicks experienced objects being forced into their rectums when CIA agents were present during their torture sessions. And what do you do with porn tapes of torture if you’re CIA? You get rid of them of course. They’ve kept other water torture tapes so why did they get rid of those that went further? So they wouldn’t be up on porn charges. It’s okay to torture but it’s illegal to enjoy it.

Climate Change’s Penny Wong is just an ALP apparatchic or yes woman
December 12, 2007

Minister for Climate Change, Penny Wong, is just a yes woman afterall. Her press conference, reported in The Age, portrayed her as a stereotypical Asian woman, who was so cool she didn’t sweat under intense questioning. She believes the lie that the government has to wait on the Garnaut report (halfway through next year) before they cap emissions? I don’t think so. In fact she doesn’t even think it’s a lie. She thinks spin is real, just like the media these days.

The real story is that the Labour government has no idea on climate change. They think it’s just one of those issues that if they play a straight bat often enough they’ll finally win through. Win through to what? A destructed country without water next year in some Australian cities (Al Gore’s Nobel acceptance speech). Australia just voted in another Liberal government. Well, we were warned.

We signed Kyoto after we executed the planet
December 3, 2007

Signing Kyoto now is like a governor signing a pardon after the prisoner has been executed. It’s too late to save the planet as we know it. According to a study commissioned by the Friends of the Earth and conducted by the Carbon Equity Project, the rise in temperature (consequently more carbon release) is sufficient to destroy most of the world’s coral reefs, including the Great Barrier Reef, and the destruction of the Arctic floating ice is considered inevitable, with dramatic consequences for the stability of the Greenland ice sheet, which is likely to begin irreversible melting at a 2C of warming.We have enough carbon dioxide and other gases in the atmosphere already to produce such a rise.

Arctic explorer and resarcher, Earl de Blonville ( see YouTube interview in which he says 2020, but yesterday said 2013 on more recent figure), says the latest figures mean that the ice sheet will have melted by 2013, and that means a sea rise of 7 metres.

For the figures go to the Friends of the Earth’s recent release on climate change, called Avoiding Catastrophe.