Archive for the ‘Political Satire’ Category

True measure of the Rudd government is what they do with the public servant succubus
December 2, 2007

An indication of the genuiness of the new Rudd government will be measureable with the number of department heads they sack. Many of these individuals have served the Liberal government shockingly. They sucked hole and tied their souls to the whims of an opportunistic Howard government. Of course they can play each side of the political spectrum with consummate skill for they have been trained in obsequious ways to satisfy their political masters, instead of being true public servants and dispassionately giving advice on hard earned evidence. They weren’t the ones to warn us of climate change and global warming, although they had the growing data bank of evidence at their finger tips.

During the reign of the public servant succubus (a lascivious spirit who has sexual intercourse with mortals by night) Australia became known for prostrating itself before America, lying about a proposed war, lying about refugees, ignoring climate change, never questioning America’s rendering of those they thought may have evidence because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time, introducing legislation that takes away all our rights (legal rights that is). The only freedom we have left is that of thought. We can think what we like but we can only speak out in secret. If people are detained for questioning the media is not allowed to report the fact unless there is a leak from government circles. A leak indicates that the government feels the releasing of information will benefit them. Unfortunately that was not so with the Haneef affair, for fair-minded Australians actually rose on their hind legs and spoke out at the idiocy of such an event. Hey, we’ve still got a chance if we speak out against the subjectivity of the public service heads who, it appears, unlike America, we can’t vote out with our politicians.

As a press secretary I heard a public service head cry out – in 1972 – that the new government would bankrupt the country. He said no one could work with such ignoramuses, although he toed the sucking line right up until he was sacked.

Governments underestimate problems they’ll ignore
November 9, 2007

It is a given that governments underestimate problems they plan to do nothing about. The State government’s report on the rise of sea levels predicts that by the end of the century the rise will only be an estimated one metre. Sorry, the Arctic ice will all have melted by 2020. Say about a three metre rise, as glaciers everywhere will also have begun to melt. Of course no one knows how fast it will all happen but if you go with predictive models it is 2020. The fields of ice breaking away from the Antarctic don’t have a huge effect because they’re already in the water and not on land. However many species will be lost to us down there.

From the way predictions have sped up over the last year I understand that no one has a handle on the deterioration of the planet’s weather. But please when you’re sparing a moment for all the lost species, remember who caused their demise, and that of the planet: the heavy industrialists, the developers, and those of us who used their cars for everything. Perhaps we should tell our children how it was us that stuffed it all up. We thought we were invincible.

At first the encroachment will be beachfront homes and those back a few blocks. Here in Talbot, about ninety k’s from the sea, we’re anticipating having a beachfront any day now. Of course that will mean we’ll have to move out because no one likes the pretenders (pretend surfers, pretend wealthy and fashion victims) and the badly designed buildings that follow in their wake. I feel the really big sets will swing in around Mt Cameron but I could be wrong.

Cops killed for the Painters and Dockers but now politicians are blind to their Armani suits.
November 9, 2007

I’ve been exposing the Victorian police in my novels for several decades; through all those times that politicians maintained what a great police force we have. It began when I observed police behaviour as a crime reporter in the sixties. I saw the things that happened then and stored them up for the years I could write about them. There was no way I could have used the names of those involved because of our libel laws. There were the members of the Homicide Squad who killed for the Painters and Dockers. Occasionally criminals took on the corrupt police – the likes of Jack Twist (great Dickensian name) – but no one else did. There was the time that the Attorney-General Arthur Rylah had his wife found laid out on the high cement path to her clothesline. She was fully dressed, and laid out like a body on a morgue slab, her shoes placed neatly at the back door. After a young ambulance driver, who was found dead a week later of flu, accused the Homicide Squad of not doing their job, Arthur Rylah was under house arrest for twenty four hours and then released. A few years later I examined the file on the murder but it was empty.

Now we have Mr Brumby, the darling of the Melbourne Club (according to the Victorian archives, edited by Michael Cannon, the Melbourne Club used to sell grog to the aborigines on the Yarra River bank) saying he thinks the Victorian Police are doing a super job. Of course this is a class thing. Melbourne Grammar Old Boys are seldom pestered by police in their Toorak houses and Range Rovers unless they’re delivering drugs to known criminals. The police are unsure how they should approach such affluent individuals.

However politicians should have known the police force was on the cusp of something big when plainclothes cops began to wear Armani suits. It was the Licensing Squad who first adopted that sartorial look but it quickly spread to other squads. Now that senior cops have been rumbled it is time to say that Christine Nixon has done a great job but we must remember that it is the majority of the cops who are corrupt not the minority.

John Howard should not deliver early dementia spin
November 8, 2007

Prime Ministers should be prevented from pretending early dementia. John Howard has apologised for a quarter of a percent interest rate hike but can’t apologise to the aborigines for the white invaders taking their land, decimating their culture, their population, and being responsible for their present ill health, bad education and appalling living standards. In some states our ancestors attempted genocide but hadn’t the experience to follow through. One recorded attempt on a property near Coleraine, the whites rounded the tribe up into cattleyards one evening and planned their murder the following morning. Naturally the designated victims fled during the night.

In Tasmania, led by Melbourne’s founder, John Batman, they had an immense line of shooters walking the whole state shooting aborigines as they went. Batman later claimed he certainly organised the line but didn’t know they were going to shoot anyone. Batman spent the rest of his life preventing massacres in Victoria.

But back to our idiot politician. He’s also apologising for an event he has no control over (how’s that for vanity) for the Reserve Bank makes decisions independently. He’s really apologising for saying he would keep interest rates at a record low before the last election. Naturally he had no right to make such a claim but he thought it sounded great for a gullible electorate to swallow. Problem is he has no respect for those who vote for him and blatantly feeds them manure to swallow. Where were his spin doctors when he apologised? He’s sorely in need of new ones, ones that understand that he’s been lying, and an apology for a quarter percent interest rate rise, is like a man feeling up an flight attendant (as is the want of a few politicians) and apologising for spilling coffee in his saucer.

Police and Minister exposed for shameful machinations over Haneef
November 2, 2007

The Mohammed Haneef episode highlights the gulf of ignorance our police have in coming to terms with innocent people being accused of terrorism. We’re not quite as bad as the UK where they shoot them (innocent individuals – and have procedure for how to do it). However we do get a set against individuals, or at least our politicians and police forces do, as they believe that anyone who is surrounded by criminal circumstances must be guilty, and they have no mental or bureaucractic procedure or reflex for removing such behaviour from their lexicon. Surely they should understand once the circumstances are explained or re-interpreted, their knee-jerk reactions must be modified.

But no, they were prepared to re-detain Haneef once the Magistrate allowed him bail
(you see they suspected he may get bail because they knew the circumstances of his arrest were really bodgy).

They (the Australian Federal Police) were really caught out by Hedley Thomas of The Australian newspaper, who quoted an e-mail from counter-terrorism co-ordinator to commanders of that same unit that: “Contingency for containing Mr Haneef and detaining him under the Migration Act, if it is the case he was granted bail on Monday, are in place as per arrangements today.” Thomas states that under the Migration Act, such a contingency necessarily needed to involve the Minister, Mr Andrews.

There’s the rub; it was a political/police operation and totally against our former democratic tenets of not mixing the State, the police and the courts. Luckily the courts haven’t yet been corrupted.

Of course the Minister said he wasn’t involved in the AFP contingencies but it is stretching the bow a bit to imagine a counter terrorist co-ordinator, wrongly claiming the consent of such a Minister. Of course Andrews said he wasn’t a part of the e-mail exercise, as if that excuses him. Hey, there are such things as a telephones and private meetings. Are we really expected to be so gullible Mr Andrews? But thanks for being part of a corrupt deal and letting us see how easily our rights can be removed. Like all local police forces it can be just how small time politics work. Unfortunately the new anti-terrorism legislation can make almost anyone appear to be guilty. It was just lucky for the wrongly arrested Haneef that he was a doctor of medicine and that he had given his SIM card (as people do give their cards to relatives or friends when leaving the UK) to his second cousin. Gee, a first cousin would have made him as guilty as hell, wouldn’t it have guys?

Rudd’s embedded media are unaware they’re controlled.
October 26, 2007

It’s extraordinary the way the media travelling with Rudd laps up the embedded nature of their tour. They find it amusing they don’t know where they’re bound or at what time. Whether they should wear shoes or thongs. Haven’t they realised it’s all about control of coverage by a staff who do’t want the real policies examined.

Captured as they are by Rudd’s spin team they are no longer thinking for themselves. Those who are controlling their day are also controlling their questions. How many climate change questions are asked or answered. While the whole country – except coastal north Queensland – are beginning to swelter in what is to be a never-ending drought. Yes, read the panic among climate scientists.; so panicked they have held back on the bad news for months, which allowed farmers to spend billions on preparation for new crops, unnecessarily.

Those holding back the no rain news, ostensibly so there wouldn’t be a mass suicide of farmers, should now be sued for the amonts of money optimistic farmers spent on their properties.

It’s a little like not telling the next generations that we have drifted by the tipping point of the planet because they may no longer have hope – or faith – when the real reason is the next generation will wake up to the fact that they can blame the slack politicians and bureaucrats for the approaching predicament. Our Rudd embedded media are not using their “scones” and the next generations will also blame you for not using your power to expose.

Humour gave us back the true Jihad Jack, and depleted a nasty authority
October 25, 2007

If humour is about laughter there’s a new province to be exploited. My laughter is coming harder and faster when I read about powerful people being nailed for their hypocrisy. My laugh is even stronger if I nail them myself.

There is an uneasiness though and it kicks in if the aspects I’ve discovered have been harming others. Then I have to resort to explaining to myself that those that have been hurt will enjoy their exposure. However there is the element that perhaps they’re no longer around to enjoy the laughter of seeing their persecutors deflated.

The Chasers (The Chasers’ War on Everything) have given me a lasting laugh, one I carry with me and can produce whenever I need it. It began when they were chasing down Jack Thomas, or Jihad Jack, who was a great character around the suburb of Williamstown, Melbourne, where I once lived. In fact the alleged terrorist used to sell me batteries, shavers, radios in the local electrical store. I saw him once in Arab uniform walking by the coffee shops and smiling at the young women.

I was told he was becoming a Muslim to win a Muslim chick.

So then he was caught in Afghanistan, trying to flee the country, for he had been flirting with military training there (remember the Americans had been there and had helped the country beat the Russians (something of an attraction for a young hero). For his troubles, although he had never hurt anyone, he received a rendering and obviously some suitable torture that Americans allowed then – curtesy of Cheney – you know, being submerged under water with the thought they may drown you. Harmless stuff really.

So, the Australian legal system caught up with him, and told him he was not allowed to phone Osama bin Laden. This beauty came from Dead Brains Ruddock and the Federal police.

So the Chasers stake out Jack’s home and when he arrives in his car they follow it up the drive way (camera’s point of view). As he steps from the vehicle Osama bin Laden rushes to him and accusingly says, “Jack, Jack, you haven’t rung me lately.” Naturally it is one of the Chasers in Osama’s gear.

And Jack, who we have been assured is a killer, screams with laughter, as I do, and half the nation does. It is one in the eye for the most depleted politician we have ever had before us, Nasty Rudd, who has taken away from us most of our democratic freedoms and so brought the terrorists periously close to winning, for they have taken away our human rights.

Jack goes on to say, “Hey fellas I’d love to ask you into tea but I have to take my wife to the doctor.” Humour, and the response to it, has completely restored Jack’s image as a good bloke. It is the only weapon we have and if you’re one of those who are exposing those like Dead Brains Ruddock, laugh a little.

Latest Age Nielsen poll shows brothel Australia right on target with added orgasmic delights
October 18, 2007

Brothel keeper John Howard has offered his staff more money in the hand. And they’re allowed to keep it, at the expense of the sick, those with learning difficulties, our poorly equipped soldiers, and our roads. Kevin Rudd must come up with a similar offer or pole dancing venues will be closed to him.

Howard has learned a great deal about Australians as he pimped for us with America. Offer them money. It’s a foregone conclusion,if it’s enough. Malcolm Fraser learned the hardway. His pantless adventure in the US was a real learning curve for him. He offered us a mass media campaign of a hand giving money to his brothel staff and we went for it.

This visit Howard and Rudd offered the more expensive whores the world’s biggest polluting pulp mill, plus dioxin, the best date rape drug on the market. The innocence of Gullible Garret and Slick Turnbull, minor pimps in the game, was a rare sight to behold. They wet their pants at the orgasmic delight of folding before a client’s bulging wallet.

Treasurer Costello is not immune to pole dancing and whips. He is deeply affected by our love of the game. It was him though, tricky bum lad that he is, who devised a way to give money with one hand and take it away when Australia’s concentration was confused by overwhelming excitement.

Wild dolphins for Dubai’s desert hole
October 16, 2007

Sadam Hussien lit his oilfields up during the first gulf war, letting all the oil from coastal depots and wells drain into The Gulf. The Texas oil company that cleaned up the mess only recovered 10% of the lost oil, the rest of heavy crude is still swirling around on the bottom of the Gulf destroying sea life. It’s the reason the swish hotel in Dubai (Dubbay) has to import wild dolphins for containment for the amusement of guests. It has none of its own.

No one appears to respect the environment in any way at all. They open their hypocritical blubbermouths and say yes, yes, global warming, but let’s get some dolphins in from the Solomons to make this desert we live on the edge of look as if it’s really a diverse environment. This is no reflection on Dubai residents who are no different from the hypos from America, Australia, Russia, China etc. etc. Our politicans have to be changed quickly otherwise we’ll be living with these small raids on our more exotic environments every step to oblivion.

Trouble was smiling at his arsehole
October 13, 2007

Some people imagined that our leader’s ferocious grin was really a snarl. They didn’t expect anything to come of receiving a look from those teeth. They were as immoveable as a high wall; there was no subtlety in the display. He had learned as a child that such a grimace paid off. If everybody laughed, his ensuing grimace was a gesture towards conformity.

The people of the nation knew what the smile meant. It’s significance was plain: if he was accepted in anyway at all he would reward those who liked him with doing what they thought they wanted. After a few years they realised he was beginning to think that his people weren’t really the ones who could push him to the heights. He began accusing them of being people who wanted what he wanted. “The people want this to happen,” he would say to the cameras and the cameras couldn’t deny it at all. Cameras can’t tell anyone how it really is. He began lying in a sanctimonious way. “We need to fight for peace,” he’d say, having seen a sign like that in a movie once and knowing straight away what a considerable truth that was.

But he was really in trouble when he began smiling at his own arsehole because no one else was listening. He imagined the sounds he heard there were really cheers. He became psychotic, imagining he was the only leader for the world.