Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category

Oh dear, the CSIRO has given up scientific research for product promotion.
November 28, 2007

Oh dear, the CSIRO has given up science for a role as a promoter of GM crops. GM canola is safe they cry (the CSIRO). We don’t have to do feeding tests with Canola to declare it’s safe, we know it’s safe (ABCTV 7:30 Report). They know its safe because of their hubritic intuition. They do admit that GM peas killed twice as many rat off-spring as ordinary peas, and that the dying rats were also infertile. Unfortunately true scientific tests should cover the feeding of four generations. Obviously they couldn’t do that with the peas because the rats were infertile, so the CSIRO stopped the tests. Somehow that effect was to validate the organisation’s lack of feeding (and eating) tests for GM Canola. Are we living in a post post modern world of unreality? Or are they wrong and they should have done the tests? The right answer could prove you have the IQ to work with the CSIRO.

Meanwhile you and I are about to eat Canola oil that is genetically modified. In fact it may already be occurring because they don’t have to label the food – like oil, and butter substitutes – with labels saying the product has used genetically modified crops from overseas. Everyone is happy in the genetically modified world because the UK and the US are allowing the crops to be developed. They say the crops are easier to grow on less water and they don’t have to use so many pesticides. Unfortunately we already know that the various pests readily adapt to the modified food (see the damage to crops in Argentina) and farmers use more chemicals to get rid of them because the crops have been designed to cope with more pesticide because the crops have been designed by those who make the pesticide (Monsanto).

I plan to protest at my supermarket because its the only way to alert the slow farmers, who have been promised huge profits, that they may not sell the hazardous stuff. They certainly won’t sell it to China or Japan, if those countries can find alternatives sources.

Learn to bully and suckhole at the police academy
November 19, 2007

It’s really pleasing that police recruits have as much expectation of money as a students registering for a Masters in Business. It’s so Australian. And for them to already have the culture down pat from their instructors and lecturers. Evidence of this? The treatment, as reported in The Age, of those lecturers who were part of the anti-corruption investigations. On cue the police students razzed the best in the force. Talk about a college for those desiring to know how to go about bullying and corruption. Perhaps an ad to that effect should be titled, Toading to gangland criminals while maintaining record retirement funds. Or perhaps, Do the bullying and corruption and win success in the State’s Police Force. Sign up here.

Strange days for newsprint proprietors – they don’t break news anymore
November 14, 2007

I scanned a national newspaper yesterday, and a Melbourne paper I found at the coffee shop, and haven’t read a story about the UN declaring that those responsible (governments and corporations) for decisions that release excess carbon emissions , are criminally iresponsible. Yes, the UN declared that day before yesterday and no text media company appears to be carrying the story. Strange days. Is it because they need newsprint to make money? Cutting down trees is one of the decisions that help the planet warm. Do you think newspaper proprietors would agree with that? Personally I read my news on the net but have purchased newspapers to discover why they continue to exist because the news is a day old when you get it. Still they are developing websites to avoid the responsibility of having to cut more trees.

In your morning paper you read the stories you heard on television; that’s been going on for at least a half a century. Newspapers used to pride themselves on breaking news. Not any more, for they didn’t gear up for that old fashioned concept of scooping the opposition. It wasn’t too expensive, they just felt it was easier to follow the news in other media. Perhaps they thought they were papers of record like that phoney New York Times. Still, news websites will allow them to begin scooping each other again, without too many carbon emissions

Cocaine Cousins a deluded sport’s child
November 10, 2007

Ben Cousins is like the rest of us, open to temptation. If you’re a great footballer why not go one better and do it with a drug that can heighten control, speed, the intellect? Pure cocaine, so my research reveals (what I do for this blog), does all these things for you. However according to my informants it must be shaved from the crystalline rock, and you don’t over imbibe. Other, more available cocaine, is mixed with stuff like Panandol or Disprin and will numb your nose. Perhaps that’s how people sniff so much of the substance that it creates a hole in the membrane at the back of the throat that stops you from drowning when you put your head under water.

But it doesn’t continue to do the things you want if for. Mere mortals use it for sex, not real sport, and slowly your life is invaded by the crushing need for more and more and if you are an addictive personality (usually not a fully developed one) you’ll do anything to earn (or steal) for the next hit. For Ben his life’s reputation is ruined as far as sport goes and I only hope he has a fallback position, although the drug isn’t about that. Well, falling perhaps.

Imagine a whole football team on the stuff. You know, only taking it at weekends before the game. Of course that’s what the AFL are panicked about. I once debated Ron Barassi about drugs in sport on a 3aw radio show, then hosted by John Jost, and I was claiming that horseracing was often about drugs and he was claiming there were no drugs in football. He was probably right at the time but I was seeing a sport with incredible speed and aggression. Having seen horses increase times by one or two lengths with steroids I was pretty sure I was right about football. I remember saying, it’s the future of football.

Police and Minister exposed for shameful machinations over Haneef
November 2, 2007

The Mohammed Haneef episode highlights the gulf of ignorance our police have in coming to terms with innocent people being accused of terrorism. We’re not quite as bad as the UK where they shoot them (innocent individuals – and have procedure for how to do it). However we do get a set against individuals, or at least our politicians and police forces do, as they believe that anyone who is surrounded by criminal circumstances must be guilty, and they have no mental or bureaucractic procedure or reflex for removing such behaviour from their lexicon. Surely they should understand once the circumstances are explained or re-interpreted, their knee-jerk reactions must be modified.

But no, they were prepared to re-detain Haneef once the Magistrate allowed him bail
(you see they suspected he may get bail because they knew the circumstances of his arrest were really bodgy).

They (the Australian Federal Police) were really caught out by Hedley Thomas of The Australian newspaper, who quoted an e-mail from counter-terrorism co-ordinator to commanders of that same unit that: “Contingency for containing Mr Haneef and detaining him under the Migration Act, if it is the case he was granted bail on Monday, are in place as per arrangements today.” Thomas states that under the Migration Act, such a contingency necessarily needed to involve the Minister, Mr Andrews.

There’s the rub; it was a political/police operation and totally against our former democratic tenets of not mixing the State, the police and the courts. Luckily the courts haven’t yet been corrupted.

Of course the Minister said he wasn’t involved in the AFP contingencies but it is stretching the bow a bit to imagine a counter terrorist co-ordinator, wrongly claiming the consent of such a Minister. Of course Andrews said he wasn’t a part of the e-mail exercise, as if that excuses him. Hey, there are such things as a telephones and private meetings. Are we really expected to be so gullible Mr Andrews? But thanks for being part of a corrupt deal and letting us see how easily our rights can be removed. Like all local police forces it can be just how small time politics work. Unfortunately the new anti-terrorism legislation can make almost anyone appear to be guilty. It was just lucky for the wrongly arrested Haneef that he was a doctor of medicine and that he had given his SIM card (as people do give their cards to relatives or friends when leaving the UK) to his second cousin. Gee, a first cousin would have made him as guilty as hell, wouldn’t it have guys?

Pig-sticking Premier Brumby is at play on Port Phillip Bay and if we lose its water quality I’ll hound him (verbally) forever
October 27, 2007

The Brumby state government is about to begin the destruction of Port Phillip Bay. He proudly announces his dredging decision, under quoting the $1.3 billion project by close to half a billion. In his boyscout version of the world you only have to have activity to motivate progress, a different and more primitive version of the cargo cult mentality. He’s forgotten about the environment and how it’s turning on human activity on the planet.

Apart from leaving Bay waters open to an Exxon Valdez scenario (outlined by Captain Frank Hart, a former harbour master, and weatherman and geomorphologist Rob Gell in my documentary, The Last Good Summer) and a clean-up outlay of close to 15 billion, which sort of puts in the shade the profit of an extra $1 billion over ten years for the city. Discarded is the thought of the human element in any disaster. For the Exxon Valdez there was a drunk sea captain, for the Bay is the appalling pilots’ record of not being able to negotiate the new channel in a computer mock-up. Time and time again, using the new navigatioal gear they ran aground (in front of the environmental panel, who somehow found in their minds the capacity to forgive such dreadful incompetence).

This doesn’t take into account the filthy waters we will have in the Bay for years, even a chance the bay will die. In the environmental reports they hint at that, but like governments who are attempting to disguise the terrible fact that we have let the tipping point for the planet go by, they stylisticaly perform verbal somersaults to disguise the between the lines truths.

The boyscout view of business is pretty much the attitude that Baden Powell (founder of the boyscouts) uses in his book Pigsticking for Beginners, saying it was a great outdoor sport for the youth of his day. If you were in India you could chase the wild pigs until they were exhausted and then charge them with your horse and spear them. So in the Bay we can dredge the environment of our bay creatures and poison or starve them to death. Who gives a stuff, for the money will be pouring in.

Problem is because of climate change the world is at the point of catastrophe (take a look at the evidence fellow pigstickers) and there will be no need for big ships for imports because there will be no money to buy anything. And as for exports, well, we won’t be manufacturing anything for export because lately we just don’t do that.
It means there’s no reason to dredge the bay for bigger ships anyway.

And if you’d like to know how global warming is going to effect bay waters with greater volumes moving irrevocably down the bay, it’s been calculated that the first three blocks from the beach sand will be in danger. Isn’t anyone listening?

I’ve warned Premier Brumby that is we lose the bay quality and its creatures with his environmental terrorism I’ll hound him (verbally) forever. That goes for those who have failed the results of the bay’s investigative processing. See you around.

Humour gave us back the true Jihad Jack, and depleted a nasty authority
October 25, 2007

If humour is about laughter there’s a new province to be exploited. My laughter is coming harder and faster when I read about powerful people being nailed for their hypocrisy. My laugh is even stronger if I nail them myself.

There is an uneasiness though and it kicks in if the aspects I’ve discovered have been harming others. Then I have to resort to explaining to myself that those that have been hurt will enjoy their exposure. However there is the element that perhaps they’re no longer around to enjoy the laughter of seeing their persecutors deflated.

The Chasers (The Chasers’ War on Everything) have given me a lasting laugh, one I carry with me and can produce whenever I need it. It began when they were chasing down Jack Thomas, or Jihad Jack, who was a great character around the suburb of Williamstown, Melbourne, where I once lived. In fact the alleged terrorist used to sell me batteries, shavers, radios in the local electrical store. I saw him once in Arab uniform walking by the coffee shops and smiling at the young women.

I was told he was becoming a Muslim to win a Muslim chick.

So then he was caught in Afghanistan, trying to flee the country, for he had been flirting with military training there (remember the Americans had been there and had helped the country beat the Russians (something of an attraction for a young hero). For his troubles, although he had never hurt anyone, he received a rendering and obviously some suitable torture that Americans allowed then – curtesy of Cheney – you know, being submerged under water with the thought they may drown you. Harmless stuff really.

So, the Australian legal system caught up with him, and told him he was not allowed to phone Osama bin Laden. This beauty came from Dead Brains Ruddock and the Federal police.

So the Chasers stake out Jack’s home and when he arrives in his car they follow it up the drive way (camera’s point of view). As he steps from the vehicle Osama bin Laden rushes to him and accusingly says, “Jack, Jack, you haven’t rung me lately.” Naturally it is one of the Chasers in Osama’s gear.

And Jack, who we have been assured is a killer, screams with laughter, as I do, and half the nation does. It is one in the eye for the most depleted politician we have ever had before us, Nasty Rudd, who has taken away from us most of our democratic freedoms and so brought the terrorists periously close to winning, for they have taken away our human rights.

Jack goes on to say, “Hey fellas I’d love to ask you into tea but I have to take my wife to the doctor.” Humour, and the response to it, has completely restored Jack’s image as a good bloke. It is the only weapon we have and if you’re one of those who are exposing those like Dead Brains Ruddock, laugh a little.

Right about the planet’s nuclear waste, the destruction of our agricultural industries, and now a partnership of forgers in Toorak
October 25, 2007

I haven’t ever boasted about my prophetic novels. However the last, “The Devil’s Trap … set to catch friends”, laid out the spin that America and Australia are putting on the fact that finally the wide, brown land will be the planet’s nuclear waste dump. First there was the lurch towards having nuclear power. That feint has been replaced by: we’re not having nuclear power. This from Malcolm Slick Turnbull, our environmental Minister. But we’ve already signed a nuclear agreement with America and we will be taking their nuclear waste.

First they tried the gambit of, gee, if we lease our uranium to other countries we can take it back to store it. That is the most perverse commercial deal I’ve ever heard. We lease something valuable and take it back when it’s useless for anything but storing, and we pay for that. The spin on that is those who used it will pay for storage until …. they forget? they go broke? Remember it’s looking after a substance that can leak at any time for 500,000 years.

The novel was also right on the Murray/Darling river system and how we are about to lose our agriculture. So we swap our agricultural industry for the nuclear waste industry, otherwise we will be a poor nation. The Americans can do that with us because they have been studying our Murray/Darling river system for decades ( see ABC Rural hour -2004). They’ve monitored flow and salinity. You see they know we are a very handy country and they have a special bureaucracy to study what is happening here, and how we can be manipulated. (Who said, “Just because I’m paranoid, doesn’t mean they’re not out to get us.”)

But an unexpected prediction was that a couple were forging paintings in Toorak. Yep, I got the style of painting wrong and the fact that a woman wasn’t found murdered, but you get the accuracy.

Call him Cowardy Fuckwit Bush – he’s threatening to bomb old friends.
October 24, 2007

America made sure Saddam Hussien hung for his murder of Iraq’s Kurds, so what should happen to Bush if he bombs – as he’s threatening – the Kurds who are disturbing the Turks?

It’s a case of the good guys – although we know the Turks aren’t so good, laughing at Australians who go to Gallpolli each year to remember their defeat at the hands of the Turks – imitating the deeds of a murderer. The Turks have already bombed Kurdish villagers – two days ago.

Now Bush is saying, we’ll bomb them for you, so you don’t have to enter Iraq and confuse matters to another layer. Of course they’ve given these Kurds a label: the PKK, an alleged terrorist group. Who wouldn’t be a terrorist if you and your people had been bombed since the second world war, pretty regularly? Churchill bombed them first because they didn’t like the way their land had been divided, and became violent. Since then the Turks have been frightened they may attempt to take their land back from Turkey, and so bomb them out of fear. They want to do to them what they did to the Armenians a hundred years ago: tried to wipe the race out and killed a million or so.

What do we call Bush submitting to blackmail by the Turks? I thought he always said America wouldn’t give into blackmail threats and he’s preparing to after only three days. Remember also how America promised the Kurds that if they attacked Saddam Hussien they would receive support from America. They did; and they didn’t. Maybe fuckwit wouldn’t be out of order. A cowardy custard fuckwit?

Saddam Hussien gassed the Kurds. The result was death, as will be the result of the Turkish and American bombing. Of course civilians will be killed for Americans have never bombed anybody without killing civilians – collateral damage remember?

Ben Cousins is Ned Kelly – a strange metamorphosis
October 19, 2007

We’ve misjudged Ben Cousins (at least I have). He is Ned Kelly. I imagined another football loser but now with the police charges dropped he will garner money from everyone, the Eagles, the AFL and the police – for wrongful arrest. The pay off will be far beyond Ned Kelly’s expectations.

Of couse he will still die with Ned’s words last words, SUCH IS LIFE, tattooed across his belly, but then he wants that. My assertion that he was promoting literary Australia ( Tom Collins’s classic, Such is Life, is no longer such a theme for his life) is not the true position. At least I hope not. He’s got to keep his nerve through several court cases and possibly the sporting clubs offers of settlement. Then again, if the WA police are full of Fremantle terrors he may die as violently as Ned.